Tony Stewart: Retiring 'would take the life out of me'

KANNAPOLIS, N.C. — In his first news conference since the Aug. 9 death of Kevin Ward Jr., Tony Stewart told reporters Monday he regretted ever racing a sprint car that night.

"I'd have stayed at Watkins Glen that night," Stewart said, referring to the location of that weekend's NASCAR race. "I do this stuff and I go run those cars to have a good time and that's all I wanted to do that night. … I do it to have fun, and it didn't end up being fun that night."

Last Wednesday, Stewart learned a 23-member grand jury in upstate New York would not indict him in Ward's death in a sprint car race at Canandaigua Motorsports Park. Ward exited his wrecked car and walked down the dirt track toward Stewart's car under a caution period. Stewart struck him and Ward was killed.

At the new Formula One shop being built adjacent to Stewart-Haas Racing, which the driver co-owns, a subdued Stewart fielded 29 questions over 36 minutes in a conference room packed with reporters. He appeared somber as he sat in front of a gray backdrop devoid of logos and spoke about how the incident has haunted him for the past seven weeks.

Among the many topics he covered:

--While Stewart has seen the YouTube video of what happened, he also frequently replays the incident in his head.

"I wish I could say it was once a day, but it's not; I think about it a lot every day," he said. "It's not something that goes away. It will never go away. It's always going to be part of my life the rest of my life."

-- Though Stewart, 43, isn't sure of when or if he will return to sprint cars, quitting driving altogether was never a consideration. He said drivers and friends urged him to not let the incident keep him from doing what he loved.

"This is what I've done all my life. This is what I've done for 36 years, and I wouldn't change anything about it. I love driving race cars. I think it might change right now as far as how much of it and what I do, but there was never a thought in my head about stopping. That would take the life out of me."

-- When Stewart was introduced to the crowd before his Aug. 31 return at Atlanta Motor Speedway, he received boisterous cheers – a reaction that caught him off guard. He has received similar reactions in the weeks since.

"It was very overwhelming. I'm glad I had sunglasses on. It was probably the most flattering and humbling part of my career, to walk out there and have that kind of reception.

"Riding around in the back of the pickup truck and seeing people against the fence that were cheering for us and they had Jeff Gordon shirts on and Carl Edwards shirts and Matt Kenseth shirts. Didn't matter what they had on, it really showed the support."

-- The firestorm of comments on social media and in some of the national media stung Stewart at first, but he said people made up their minds about what happened despite only knowing 10% of the facts.

"Initially, I was hurt by some of the things I read. But then I looked at who they were from, and it's people that never met me, never spent time with me, don't know me, and they're making a judgment off of either what was presented or what the facts were that they had, and they were people that didn't like me to begin with and it didn't matter what the facts were."

"I really stopped wasting my time worrying about it. I know what happened. I know what the facts are and that's all that matters."

-- Though Stewart said he was confident he did nothing wrong, he acknowledged being worried about what an upstate New York grand jury would decide because it meant his fate was out of his hands.

"It's natural to be fearful. But all along I knew what the facts are. I knew what had happened, and I know what happened.

"I would be lying if I said there wasn't a piece of relief, but that was very short-lived in my heart. Because as quickly as it was relief in my heart, it was at the same time it went right back to the fact that we lost Kevin. We lost a young driver that had a lot of talent."

-- Sponsors such as Bass Pro Shops and Mobil 1 have supported Stewart in an "amazing" way, he said. Bass Pro Shops founder and close friend Johnny Morris visited Stewart while he was in seclusion for three weeks at his Indiana home. On Monday, Stewart wore a short-sleeved black shirt with no logos of primary sponsors.

"It's obviously a tough circumstance for anybody to be a part of it, for a corporation to be part of it as well, but they've been very supportive through this whole process," Stewart said. "I can't speak to what the future will be for them. They've been supportive to this point and that's something I've been very grateful for."

-- Ontario County district attorney Michael Tantillo said toxicology results from Ward's autopsy showed he was under the influence of marijuana at the time of the incident, but Stewart said that "didn't change anything" about his view of what happened.

"To me, a young driver lost his life," Stewart said. "Didn't matter why or what was going on. The end result was the same. No matter what was said, it was still a tragic accident. I just know in my heart that it was 100% an accident; that detail didn't mean anything to me personally."

-- Since the incident, Stewart has been seeking professional counseling and continues to do so.

"I think our whole lives, I don't think any of us ever read anything in a book at school or read anything on how to deal with a tragedy like this. To have somebody there that could help us through that and help us be able to make forward progress was very important, and we're still using them. It's not something that gets back to normal overnight."

-- Stewart said he didn't need to talk to the Ward family to help his personal healing, but said he's offered to speak with the family if they're open to it.

"At this point, I don't need to talk to them for closure. I know what happened, and I know it was an accident, but I'm offering to talk to them to help them, if it helps them with closure."

-- There were a couple light moments, which showed flashes of the old Stewart returning. At one point, a reporter who Stewart has sparred with over the years noted he was a likable guy. Stewart said he appreciated "the fact that you said I was a nice guy" and chuckled. Later, while referencing the reaction he received at Atlanta, Stewart said "at first I thought I accidentally walked out in Dale Jr.'s spot."

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